R.I.P Grandma.

she left us peacefully this afternoon at the age of 92.
still, the sudden impact of the news caught me off guard and i broke down over the phone.

i cried because i was worried that it would break my dad's heart as he is closest to my grandma among his 10 siblings.
i cried because i realised that i didn't treasure her when she was alive; i always had reasons like spending time with friends, work, and many others.

the one of the few times that i saw her was when her hands was swollen till 3 times the size of mine due to water rentention.
she was also not allowed to take more than 750ml of water per day and we had to harden our hearts to say no to her pleas of wanting more water as her throat was feeling dry.

rushed down to see my grandma the last time before they send her off for her makeup but i didnt make it.

my dad later told us at the funeral that when he visited her a few days back, her throat was so dry that she couldn't talk and all she could do was to give my dad a weak smile but i didnt know about this incident.

we got to pay our last respects to her at our uncle's void deck before they put her inside the coffin and changed her clothes for her.
she looked really peaceful; no more sufferings, no more tubes and pipes, surgeries and illnesses to handle.
R.I.P grandma.

losing my grandma made me reflect on how much i had been giving to my family.
i had a heart to heart talk with my aunt a week back, who told me of how my mom would call her to ask about me whenever we quarrelled.

i know my mom loves me and i hate this love-hate relationship that we have with each other.
i never fail to pray for us to be able to communicate well whenever im at ANY temple.
i dont want to be regretting not showing her enough that i love her when that day arrives.

i dont want to.