self disclosure.

dad said this to me one day, " is something wrong? why are you breaking down so easily these days? i'm really worried that you're falling into depression".



i don't know, dad.


i never meant to start those quarrels.
i never meant for the family to turn out this way.
the image at the window still sticks in my mind, the trauma of nearly losing of love one still haunts.
i think i'm suffering from post-traumatic shcok, whatever you call it.

i never meant for the tears to fall,
but i cant handle the stess behind having to work, school, ccas and having to make ends meet.
being limited by my financial capabilities is the most frustrating and also the toughest part that i have yet to learn to deal with i guess.


i never liked to ask for favours (even if it's from my own brother) unless i really couldnt help it.
but now i'm really at my wits end.
i have to come up with approximately $1500 by mid feb.
i want to work but yet there's all these school work which i have to deal with.
work + 7 presentations, 5 reports- endless nights of work and tiny weeny hours of sleep.
it's all taking its toll on me.


the round table scene's really saddening.
i ache for my brother and feel for my da sao.
yet, there's nothing that i can do.



dear,
i'm sorry that all these frustrations had to be vented on you in forms of tantrums, demands and even unreasonable-ness.
i know things had been hard on you as well and i appreciate the things that you do to cheer me up despite having to go through these tough patches yourself.
especially when you do things that aint you, like getting that sunflower and stalk of doggy to cheer me up. (:

if i had the choice, i wish i could spend more time with you- hop onto a plane and drink coconut juice, suntan, shop, eat and relax at thailand.

i dont know if you know, i've always waited for you to go clubbing with me.
i wanted you to be the first to go with me.
but i guess i'm gonna have to review that cos it's not gonna happen.
i didn't mean to be unreasonble, it just didnt feel too good.


sometimes im really close to giving up this itp thing altogether.
the money, endless nights of quarrels, endless bombards from family AND extended family, endless persuassion and explanations, endless tears.
it's very tiring.




self disclosure is unhealthy on the net/blogs cos you never who is reading this.
right now, i'm beyond care to care anymore.
i dont know how much more my little heart can take before it raises the red flag.